my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
