I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she told me i tasted like america
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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