You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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