if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
