I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can't put those talents on a resume
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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