Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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