he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
