I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
