Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
