Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
