Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
