I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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