i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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