Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
