I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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