tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
