plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
