The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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