I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
