I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
