My underwear smells like fireworks.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
