I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
