I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
