3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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