I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
