Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
