Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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