I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize