Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
