Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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