I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I need to stop coming to work sober
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
