then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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