1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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