I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
