Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
