sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize