I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize