I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
