He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
