my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
