I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
