I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
