So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
