I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
