We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
