bring money and cleavage
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
