dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
