The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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