just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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