I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
