On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
