i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You're earring is so big in my mouth
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
