In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
