my phone needs a breathalizer
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
its liver damage thursday
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