Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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