I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
