If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
